The Sports Beat

The suits from headquarters are smiling upon our little band for extending the franchise to the world of sports in our recent coverage of President Obama's failed Olympic bid.

Since Ezra last broke a sweat in 1972, Whit goes sweaty and pale from the exertion of watching ladies badminton, and Archie does not have the attention span to sit through four quarters of football, it looks like I will have to take the lead on sports coverage.

In today's news, the surprising selection of President Obama to win the Nobel Peace Prize has thrown the sports world into chaos. One of my sources close to those running the Bowl Championship Series for college football told me, "The Nobel Prize Committee has stunned everyone. We've always graded teams on actual wins and losses on the field. But if the new standard is to be the level of hope and desire of teams to win games, well, I don't see how the current standings won't be disrupted. Does USC or Florida want to win more than Urbana College of Dance? Jeez, it's not even a contest; they might be small and silly looking on the field in their little tutu's, but those dancers are fierce competitors.

"And this is true in every sport, pro, amateur and college," he continued with a slight quiver in his voice. "In theory, we won't even have to keep score anymore, just have a panel of judges vote on the intention, spirit, and determination of each team. Given what we've seen in the Olympics, you don't think we'll see a lot of politics in those decisions?"

My source paused at this point, and then quietly said, "I'm not sure I can live in a world like that."

This is Ellie Longfellow, on the sports beat.