The PEOPLE Speak! Blonde: The New Brunette

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PEOPLE (People for Equal Opportunity and Protection of the Laws for Everyone), an umbrella activist group composed of all people excepting only those who belong to the organization known as PIMPLES (People Inhabiting a More Privileged Life to the Exclusion of So many), opened a new front in the cultural wars in America.

A spokesman for PEOPLE said today, "As Iowa has most recently shown us, unelected Judges are now assuming their proper roles in our Democracy as final arbiter of all public issues. As a result, it appears that the sorry chapter in America's history of gender bigotry against Gays is drawing to a close, and the PEOPLE can begin putting its resources into other societal problems as defined solely by the PEOPLE.

"Therefore, I am announcing today that PEOPLE has applied to George Soros for initial funding in the amount of $30 million to promote the full inclusion into society of another victim class, that most criticized of minorities, blondes."

The spokesman continued, "Conservatives, Catholics, Protestants, butchers, bakers, candlestick makers and others of their ilk have long argued that blondes cannot be considered victims in our society because one of America's most popular songs declares that 'Gentlemen prefer blondes.' The absurdity of this argument is rivaled only by the disgust we the PEOPLE have for such fatuous fatheads.

"A partial list of synonyms these groups use in place of 'blonde' speaks for itself: ditzy, stupid, playthings, dumb, whores, tramps, vapid, shallow, dumb, dumb, and dumber.

“It's time for this to end. PEOPLE today demands that all such disparaging references to blondes, whether in jokes, songs, TV shows or any other public or private discourse, be outlawed, and appropriate criminal penalties be levied and enforced against all perpetrators throughout this great land of ours.

"It may be that to affect total societal change it will be necessary to ban the use of the term blonde altogether, and simply refer to all women as brunettes. We do not advocate that step (yet) but will be interested in the evolving opinions of the solons of Democracy, the unelected Judges serving we the PEOPLE up, down, across and beyond the fruited plain of this country.”

The spokesman for PIMPLES, a non-activist group whose membership is generally content to rest on their laurels, was playing golf and not available for comment when this story went to press.