Re: Reality Bites

Oh, Archie, there you are.  Listen, I was just out in my garage, and there are some things missing: 5 transistors from my antique radio; a pair of wire cutters and a wrench; and 23 cans of oil (5W-40).

Now, I am not concerned about petty theft.  You went down that road a long time ago, beginning with the toy prizes in my boxes of Coco Puffs, and I have long since accepted the matter.  And I do not begrudge you your friends.  As the Good Book says, to those who have little, much will be given, and friend-wise you most definitely have very, very little.

But I do think buying off friends with little gifts is not a good long term strategy.  I am sure Robby has many fine qualities, but anyone who would befriend you for a bit of oil and some trinkets is not going to be there during the hard times.  Like when you step in one of the bear traps I have set around the garage, or get zapped by the Home Defender electrical mats (set to maximum) guarding the entrance-ways to the house.

Further, I'm not sure you and Robby are good for each other.  You are aware that "erroneous prevarication" is a double negative meaning the exact opposite of what you intended?  As for Robby, "lewd" and "lascivious" is near redundant, indicating a possible electrical glitch firing his internal thesaurus at inappropriate times.  I suggest you both might put the ping-pong paddles down and seek outside help.

Please accept this advice in the spirit in which it is given.  After all, I am your only sister, which is almost as important to me as being Chairman of the local Policeman's Benefit Society, an organization that has enabled our local boys in blue to outfit the best SWAT team in the business.  You ought to see how quickly they can reach the scene of a crime!  And they are all such lovely boys, lovely boys, who truly seem to care about me and my property.

Well, that's all for now.  Tell Robby 010111110001001100011 for me.