Rat Hole Stimulus Bill 2009

Under heavy criticism for proposing an emergency spending bill of almost $1 trillion to jump-start the US economy that will not be fully spent until 2011 and beyond, Congress today passed a bill that, no later than February 15, 2009, would deposit $819 billion in cold, hard cash into a rat hole - literally. Said Treasury secretary Martha Bundtz: "Considering the sheer quantity of dollar bills we will be distributing, it will probably take more than one rat hole to do the job. We are therefore requesting that the various states immediately forward the location of all rat holes within their respective jurisdictions, together with pictures, so we can begin coordinating this massive effort to save each and every American citizen from this terrible economic catastrophe." Martha Bundtz is the secretary to Steven Holmhemet, a 30-year career civil servant in the nickel counting division of the US Government.

Senate and House Majority leaders, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, further announced what has been described as a "brilliant" scheme to fund the full stimulus package with the net proceeds from special zero-coupon Treasury Bonds that would not have to be paid back by any Americans alive today. That is because the Bonds would mature in 2099 well after everyone has died. Newly confirmed Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner has already begun negotiating with foreign governments to purchase these Bonds. Senator Reid said he did not anticipate any problems in this regard, because "the Treasury Secretary demonstrated his truly remarkable sales abilities in his recent Senate confirmation hearings."

As soon as he completes this project, Senator Reid revealed that Secretary Geithner would apply his amazing selling techniques to the problem of our balance-of-trade deficit in the Middle East. The Secretary will aggressively market to the Arabs huge quantities of American sand. "And, as an added bonus" Senator Reid said, "any state providing sand to this enormously important endeavor would be rewarded with a 5% royalty on the proceeds." He went on to note that Nevada would get a 10% royalty because "we really like our sand; our sand has a special place in Nevada's heart, and we can't just give it away for nothing."

Asked about the possibility that the rats would simply save the money they receive rather than spend it, Speaker Pelosi remarked, "Whatever you may think of Congress in general, we are certainly able to out-smart a few rats. That is why we have explicit language in the Bill requiring all recipients of these funds to spend 100% of it on consumer goods."

She continued: "Additionally, oversight will be conducted by experienced rat hole inspectors who will be looking for such common practices as using the money to plug leaks in the rat tunnels or building nests for newborn rats. This is the human equivalent of stuffing this money into a mattress, and we will not stand for it."

Speaker Pelosi and Senator Reid then left the podium after referring further questions to one Dr. Jean Carlotti, who, they said, received her Masters in Cosmetics from Harvard, and has lectured extensively on the economy for more than 20 years in such high-profile TV forums as Bill Maher, Oprah, Martha Stewart and Comedy Central.

In response to some skepticism from a Fox News correspondent, Dr. Carlotti said, "We are all well aware that no matter how much the Bill requires the rats to spend this money that a significant number will no doubt try to evade their obligations. But, this is the normal functioning of the market; in any area of the economy there is always a high-percentage of buffoons and idiots doing things that they shouldn't, and that is why a large strong government is needed to regulate things.

"In this case, however, my calculations are that a solid 7% of the rats will in fact purchase cheese and other consumer goods. That will amount to more than $57 billion immediately going into the domestic economy, which will act as a powerful fuse to ignite the huge bomb of an economic recovery that is our destiny as Americans. Micro-economically speaking, a sudden increase in cheese-sales will enable Wisconsin almost certainly to achieve Utopia by the second quarter of 2010, followed by contiguous states in rapid succession each quarter thereafter until Wisconsin's remarkable achievement is duplicated domino-style throughout these United States.

"At this point, the influential Wisconsin Progressives of the early 20th Century will turn over in their graves en masse, smiling in approval of all that has transpired."As the stunned Fox News reporter struggled to come up with a follow up question, Dr. Carlotti breathlessly exited the stage, flinging her cape over her shoulder.

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